Once Again...

I'm picking myself up, dusting off my pants, and mending my broken heart after another failed cycle.  Dana and I had our 3 frozen embryos transfered in Aug.  As usual everything was looking great.  My lining was a perfect 10, the embryos looked as good as the day they were frozen, and meditation was keeping me calm and relaxed.  We decided not to tell anyone or blog about it because we didn't want to go through the heartache of having to tell everyone it didn't work.  What a relief that was!  We did receive a positive test but things didn't look so swell on the ultrasound. Needless to say, our dream of having a little one ended shortly thereafter.  The second positive that I got from this cycle was HOPE.  It almost worked.  I'm confident that it will work for us, I just wish it would be sooner rather than later.

Instead of turning to Cold Stone, I turned off the computer.  I didn't want to read about other people's babies or those who were expecting or even trying to conceive.  This may sound awful to my blogging buddies but I hope you understand that sometimes I just need to get away from it all in order to stay sane.  In times like these I need to regroup, come up with a new plan, and get baby off my brain.  I feel refreshed and ready to blog again.  I hope you hang in there with me as the roller coaster ride continues.

Thanks to many of you who sent me emails and left comments checking in on me and wondering what happened.  Sorry I didn't respond but know that your words touched my heart and were much appreciated.  Thank you.

Funny or Delirious?

I've been working on fertility 

All my livelong life

I've been working on fertility

Just to pass the time away

Can't you hear my bio clock ticking

Rise up so early in the morn

Can't you hear me shouting

Dana, blow your load!!!

Oh, hello there fellow bloggers, don't mind my singing.  

My friend mentioned to me that I was getting funnier every day.  (Do me a favor and don't mention the  funny part to my husband.  He doesn't think my jokes or comments need any encouragement). 

So, it got me thinking.  I know that's a scary thought.  Anyway, am I  really getting funnier or is it the wide range of fertility cocktails that I've been taking over the years that has caused me to become delirious?  And not to forget about the man in the white coat who has been looking up my honey pot a few times each month for God only knows how many months.  Did I mention that his interns are now looking too.  Thank goodness its summer time and I've been shaving faithfully. 

My all time favorite stimulating cocktail is Follistim.  It comes in a fancy pen form with its own designer case. It's so cute and adorable.  I also LOVE the progesterone oil shot in my buttocks.  Oh baby, it hurts so good!  Long after the thrill is gone the sting is still there.  I guess its one way to get my husband to give me an a** massage.  Have you tried the Climara patches?  There's nothing like ripping the skin off your belly every 3 days to replace the patches with 3 more.  I've heard that once you've tried Lovenox you'll never want to go back.  I don't know if it's true or not but I've seen the lovely hues of purple, green, and yellow that it leaves on the belly.  Why wasn't it named LoveNot?  Mmm, I just can't wait to give that shot.  Hopefully I'll never have to add that to my list of favorites.  So ladies, is it cocktail hour?  What's your favorite fertility med?

P.S.  Please tell me I'm getting funnier.  I have enough to discuss with my counselor as it is.   

Reality Check!

After crying my eyes out I started to self reflect. I finally came to the conclusion that I'm acting like a spoiled rotten brat. Sure I feel mad, disappointed, devastated and frustrated but I need to pick myself up and move forward. I have so much to be thankful for. My whole life I've never had to want for much of anything. Even when times were tough my sister, brother, and I were always provided for. We always had nice clothes to wear, a roof over our heads, and food on the table.

I think of the people in Haiti who have had their lives turned upside down. Their families have been ripped apart, their houses destroyed, they don't know when their next meal is going to fall from the sky, they are dying from infections that could have been easily treated and here I am cursing God and bawling my eyes out over a luxury procedure. Many children have been left orphans, precious babies and children have been buried beneath the rubble, in many cases whole families have been wiped out. There were no last goodbyes, hugs, or kisses. There are no burial sites or knowledge of where their loved one could possibly be. I'm lucky because although my son is not with me I know where he rest in peace. I have the ability to visit him. I was given the opportunity to say goodbye to him and other loved ones. The people of Haiti have the right to feel devastated, sad, angry, and hopeless but yet they sing praises to God and dance in the streets.

I'm truly blessed to have a loving family that stands by my side and supports me. My friends have also been there for me and I continue to meet great people each day. I have a wonderful husband and there is no one else in the world that I would rather be going through this with then him. He is a remarkable man that is so loving and understanding. The statistics say that the death of a child breaks up 70% of marriages then put the stress of infertility on top of that and you're doomed for failure. With everything that we have been through our love has only grown stronger, richer, and deeper. For all of this I praise God. Now I only hope he forgives me for wanting to beat the crap out of him. I thank the Lord for once again humbling and helping me put life back into perspective.

As disappointing as this was for us, it's not the end of the road. We still have 3 frozen embryos and sometime in the near future we will meet with the doctor and discuss our next step. I've learned that when undesirable things happen I need to look for the blessings within. Sometimes they're difficult to find and other times they're glaring at me but if I look hard enough and face reality the blessings can be found.

Are You There God?

It's me, Lisa. So let's get right down to it, shall we. What is your f#$*ing plan for me? Have I not suffered enough already? Have I not given up my only child, MY ONLY SON? From the pit of my soul I'm raging mad. If you or your son were to walk through the door right now I would probably try to beat the crap out of you all the while screaming Why? Why? Why?! It is taking every ounce of my being to praise you, not turn my back on you and walk away but you don't make it easy. To go through the whole IVF process and get a negative result is like another slap in the face. Supposedly if it hurts me then it hurts you too. Well then, feel my pain and heartache. I hope it overwhelms and consumes you like a giant wave crashing on top of you and sucking you under. You are tumbled and wrestled about wondering when you will have relief, just when you think you are going to get a breath of fresh air you are sucked back under. You surround me with a bunch of pregnant women and wanted me to be happy. What kind of screwed up healing plan is that? Let me tell you, it's not a healing process at all! It only makes me feel miserable. Each and everyday it is thrown in my face that my child, my son is not here. Every week in church it is preached that you are a loving God, well if that's true you sure have a funny way of showing it. Right now I'm sick, YOU make me sick. Take your divine plan and shove it. Where is the justice in this world when there are mothers discarding their babies in dumpsters? I'm weary, I have no more energy to continue this conversation right now but believe me it's not over!

A sincere thank you to our family and friends for all your thoughts, prayers, and well wishes. We truly feel your love and know that you are just as devastated as we are. I don't know what we are going to do next at this time. Seriously, I don't know how many times I can be beat down, pick myself up, and carry on with my chin up. I try to be better over bitter whenever possible but this is one of the times when it's not going to be possible.

Transfer Day

Once again Dana and I were up early and on our way to my doctor's office. I was excited but nervous at the same time. Dana was half asleep so I don't think he had any emotions yet. Tuesday was a huge day for us, the transfer day. On the way I had to take a valium to keep my uterus calm and drink a lot of water so that I would have a full bladder. When we arrived, as usual, Dana had to use the restroom. Of course the nurse called me back while Dana was taking care of his morning business. I went through the normal process of putting on the gowns and signing paper work. By then Dana had arrived and put on his mask. Before the procedure started the embryologist called us to the lab. We got to see our embryos, well actually blastocyst, under the microscope. It was so cool and fascinating. After that the doctor did the necessary prep stuff (I'll save you the details) while the embryologist loaded my embryos into a catheter. When the doctor was ready for them they were brought into the room. The doctor inserted the catheter and pushed the embryos into my uterus by using a needle syringe filled with what they call embryo glue. I like that name because that's exactly what I need. The procedure took approximately 30 minutes at the most. There was no pain associated with it at all. Once I rested for a little while I was able to get up and relieve my bladder. Boy, I had to pee like a race horse. After resting for an hour I was released to go home. The nurse wheeled me out to the car

and away we went.

This week I have been off work on bed rest. This is the first time that I have spent anytime sitting up on the computer. I've been up very little. I generally move from the bedroom to the couch and back to the bedroom. I have showered but not as frequently. My husband just informed me that I'm gross. Oh well, I just keep praying and praying and praying that this works. It drives me crazy because I know two embryos were transfered but what are they doing? My prayer is that they are nestling in and making themselves cozy for the next nine months. I will be back to work on Monday with a visit to the Doctor's on Tuesday for lab work. I wish they could give me some indication if it's working or not. Unfortunately, I have to wait out the two week wait. That part really stinks! I shouldn't even test early because the HCG shot I had takes 10-14 days to get out of my system. If I test early I could possibly get a false positive. Please pray that these embryos are settling in nicely.

There's nothing like Cold Stone to settle your nerves, drown your sorrows, calm your uterus, or celebrate the joys of life. Love It!

Embryo Update

Finally, I got the long awaited call from Dr. C, the embryologist, this afternoon. She explained that I have 4 embryos that have divided 10 times already and 2 that have divided 8. They are all on schedule and looking really great. The 7th embryo never progressed so it had to be discarded. My transfer day will be on Tuesday, Jan. 19. I don't know the time yet because none of the nurses were in the office today, but I will receive a call tomorrow letting me know.

Please continue to pray that the embryos keep growing strong. It's kind of funny because Dana and I never thought we would be parents to an angel in heaven and six babies. Praise God, he works in mysterious ways!

One little... Two little...

Three little embryos, Four little... Five little... Six little embryos, Seven little embryos growing for transfer.

I got a call from the embryologist today. She had great news for me so far. Yesterday the doctor was able to retrieve 10 eggs. Here's the scoop on the eggs. Out of the 10, one was too immature and two were degenerate. Those eggs were discarded. That left me with seven. Out of the remaining 7, six are definitely showing signs of fertilization. The seventh had not started to show signs yet but the embryologist was going to watch it closely. Sometimes it catches up in it's own time. The embryologist, Dr. C, will call me again on Sunday to let me know how my little darlings are doing. On Sunday the egg cells should have divided six to eight times. That will give her a better idea of how many eggs will make it to the home stretch. The maximum number of eggs that my doctor's office will transfer is two so there is no chance of me becoming an octo-mom. Thank goodness!

It was such a relief to get the good news today. I couldn't sleep last night because I kept having dreams that their equipment broke and my eggs were ruined. I told the embryologist about my dream today and she reassured me that they have back up generators so not to worry.

We are getting to the bottom of my huge expensive box of medication. I'm now receiving progesterone shots in my hip-butt area. I have two circles drawn with a Sharpie, one on each side, so Dana won't miss the target area. Ouch is not a strong enough word. The needle going in is not that bad, just a little poke. But afterwards, I'm sore. Unfortunately, I have many weeks of this and when I get a positive pregnancy test I'll have many more. I'm also taking Medrol, an oral medication, to help my body accept the embryos after the transfer. Finally, I'm continue to take Doxycycline to prevent infection. I will be so happy if I never have to take or see these medications again.

Please pray that the embryos continue to grow and their cells divide.

Harvest Day!

Since the last time I posted I've been to the doctor's office several times for lab work and ultra sounds at $407.00 a pop. After sliding my credit card to the receptionist for the third time within a few days I half jokingly asked the receptionist to please tell Dr. W. that I can NOT afford to come three days in a row. She cringed and said, "OHHH, My." That's not what I'm going to be saying when I see my credit card bill. I think the words that come to mind are more like, "OHHH, Shit!" Anyway, the ultra sounds showed that my eggs were growing nicely and according to the lab work my estradiol level was at a steady incline. This information helped my doctor decide the best day to do the retrieval.

Finally, I was instructed to have Dana give me the HCG shot on Tuesday night at 7:00P.M. Ouch, this one was going to hurt because it had to me intramuscular. In other words, my hip-butt area. I was sweating over it and so was Dana. To our surprise it went rather smoothly. The only part that hurt was the initial poke of the needle. Once the HCG shot is given the retrieval is scheduled for 36 hours later.

So this morning, Dana and I woke up before the crack of dawn was even thinking about rising and got ready. Well, I got ready while Dana stayed in bed to the last minute. Just before leaving the house we collected the sperm sample, I slipped the cup into my cleavage as Dana threw on his clothes. We really have this part down to a science because we've done it so many times for our IUIs. At 5:25 A.M we were pulling out of the driveway. We arrived in the parking lot at 6:05A.M. which was a few minutes early for my 6:15A.M. appointment time.

I waited in the waiting room for a few minutes (Dana was in the restroom, again) before being called back. As soon as I got changed into the lovely gowns the nurse started taking my vitals and prepping me for the IV. Thank goodness it only took the nurse two tries to get the IV needle in. I signed the usual forms and some unusual forms such as what Dana and I wanted to do with our frozen eggs if something should happen to either one of us. At about 7:00A.M. I made one last stop in the restroom before entering the retrieval room. I pretty much said hello and good morning to Dr. W. then laid on the table. The last thing I remember was being hooked up to the monitors. The nurse said during the procedure I started asking how many eggs but the anesthesiologist gave me more happy juice and I was out.

I woke up in the recovery room with the nurse and Dana. The nurse explained that I needed to stay until the IV was finished and she had to keep track of my vitals. Dr. W. came in to see how I was doing and talk about the procedure. He announced that he was able to retrieve 10 eggs. WOW, 10 EGGS! I'm not that old after all. He said actually 12 but two were nothing. I was pretty proud of my old ovaries. My right side was amazing! At a little after 9:00A.M. I was wheeled out of the office and to the car. I came home, ate breakfast, slept, and slept some more. Besides being a little groggy, I feel great. I have very slight cramping on my right side. I'm not even sure cramping is the correct word maybe soreness. What ever it is, it's not even enough to take Tylenol. Tomorrow the embryologist will call us to give us an update on our fertilized eggs. I'm so anxious to hear how they are doing.

Thank you to my family, friends, and blogging buddies for all your thoughts and prayers. Please keep them coming the journey isn't over yet. Thank you Lord for all your blessings. The road you have paved for me is not an easy one but always a blessing, even if it is in disguise.

Egg Count

Today Dana and I went to the Doctor's office and found out that I have eight eggs maturing nicely. I have five on my right side and three on my left. Their sizes range from 12-10, which is good because they are all close in range. It's such a relief to know that my ovaries are responding to the medication. As of now, Dana gives me two shots a day. The first one is Follistim at 6:30A.M. and then he sticks me again at 6:30P.M. with a shot of Menopur. Tomorrow we will add an antagonist to my morning injection. My stomach is only slightly bruised because one morning Dana could barely keep his eyes open. He stayed up too late the night before and stuck me at a 45 degree angle instead of a 90. But, I don't mind because I know in the end it will all be worth it. My eggs need to mature for a little while longer so I don't have a retrieval date yet. I go back to the doctor on Sunday morning for another egg check. On Sunday the doctor will be able to tell me when to inject the HCG and give me the retrieval date. I can't believe it is happening so quickly. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You for, keeping your fingers and toes crossed, sending sticky/baby dust, and your thoughts and prayers. It seems to be working so far so if you don't mind please keep it up. Last but not least, thank you Heavenly Father, although I don't understand the method to your madness, I'm truly blessed for the opportunity to have IVF treatment.

Our Quest for an Earth Baby

Our second IVF appointment was yesterday, Dec. 29. We were in for another long visit with the

doctors so Dana took the day off and luckily I'm still on vacation. This was a big day for us and BIG money.

The morning started off by waking up early so we could get to the facility a little before my appointment time at 8:00 AM. The medical office is about 45-50 minutes away so thank goodness there was no traffic. We were able to find parking quickly which was surprising because the last time we were there it was a zoo.

Upon entering the building we discovered that the elevators were not working correctly so we ran the stairs to the third floor. Huffing and puffing I entered the office, (Dana had to make a pit stop at the restroom, when morning duty calls he has to go), and proceeded with the check in process. Today was the day we had to pay the Big Bucks! I wrote a check for $500.00 to cover freezing in case it is needed. Then I wrote a separate check for $800.00 to cover assisted hatching if needed. The checks will be returned to us if we don't need these services.

The next amount was the biggy which had to be paid on Visa or Master Card. Dana was responsible for this payment but he was still in the restroom. He finally returned and I told the receptionist that the man with the big bucks had arrived. She scanned his card and it was DENIED. What!!?? There must be some mistake, can you please try it again. Sure enough, DENIED not once but twice. Oh shit, was my next thought! I didn't have enough room on my card because I had paid for the meds. My other card is American Express and they don't accept that. Thank goodness for my quick thinking husband, he took the card and went out in the hall to make a phone call. In the mean time, I sat in the office thinking of a plan to get out of there if need be. Finally, Dana returned. It felt like a lifetime but I'm positive it wasn't that long. The problem was a security issue because it was such a large amount. The card was swiped for the third time and $7,900 was immediately charged to Dana's account. This amount will cover egg retrieval, IVF/ICSI, embryo culture and embryo transfer. Wow, what a bargain! (LOL) So because of our credit card fiasco my name got put on the bottom of the pile. Oh well, it gave Dana and I plenty of quality time together. He played on his iphone while I kept asking what are you doing now.

My name was finally called. We were taken to the back for a quick visit with the vampire, although it wasn't so quick because I'm labeled as a hard stick. Hmmm, my husband seems to think the same thing but I have a feeling he's not talking about drawing blood. Anyway, we got that over with and were sent to another room where I was asked to undress from the waist down because I was going to have an ultrasound and a trial transfer. I was also informed that I would be seeing Dr. P because he had nothing to do at the time and the other Dr. was backed up. O.k., no problem. Well I guess Dr. P was ready to go because I had just barely got my pants off when he knocked at the door. In a flash I jumped on the table and threw the sheet over me. The nurse followed behind him and leaned over to help me cover myself better. I whispered in her ear that he was too fast.

The ultrasound went well. I have 7 follicles on the right side and 5 on the left side waiting to be stimulated. Hopefully they will develop into mature eggs with the medication. The trial transfer wasn't so bad either. The doctor just wanted to make sure that the catheter would work well and that there wouldn't be a problem getting into my uterus.

After I got dressed the nurse brought in a huge box filled with my medication. She went over the instructions for the injections Dana will be giving me starting on Jan. 3. I know Dana enjoys jabbing me with a needle like I'm a voodoo doll or dart board.

Our next stop was with the embryologist. She was a very nice woman and I appreciate that she took the time to read my chart. After introductions she offered us her condolences and hoped that this time would be better for us. The first question she asked us was "how do you feel about twins?" I thought Dana was going to pass out. He fell back in the chair and his face turned a little pale. Dana wanted to ask her, how she felt about him throwing up on her floor, but he didn't. Her information was very fascinating. She explained the different procedures and showed us pictures of embryos at different stages.

We finished up with the embryologist at about 11:30 and were headed out the door but not before we made one last stop. We had to stop at the receptionist counter to pay for the office visit, lab work, and ultrasound. That was $480.00. I've never spent so much money so quickly. At least when you buy a car you can drive it home. The only thing we drove home was a huge box of expensive meds. Hopefully it will all be worth it and someday we will be driving a baby (or babies as the embryologist implied) home from the hospital.

What Did I Get For Christmas?

That seems to be the question when I talk to people. Well, this year Dana and I decided to go all out. We spent more money on each other than we have in our entire 9 years of marriage. Our gift to each other was the opportunity to have an Earth Baby. We have officially started our IVF cycle.

To get started, we had an initial meeting on Dec. 17. On that day, we met with Dr. W who was also my doctor at Kaiser. He basically told us everything we already knew. He believes my unexplained infertility is starting to become explained. Dr. W thinks that I have diminishing ovarian reserve. In other words, I'm running out of eggs.

After meeting with Dr. W for an hour we then met with the financial advisor. The financial advisor explained when payments are due. Since we are self payers all payments are due at the time of services rendered. Dana asked if they had a coupon in the Penny Saver. Not a chance but the financial advisor got a good laugh. We left the Financial Advisor's office with our heads spinning.

Our next meeting was with the nurse. She set up an IVF calendar for us and spent the next hour explaining what everything meant. The nurse was very kind and patient with us. She took the time to answer all our questions, even the same questions we asked for the second or third time. As I mentioned above our heads were spinning from the numbers we were told so I don't think we absorbed much. After three hours we were on our way home with orders to continue to take birth control pills and 81 mg of aspirin.

I know you're probably wondering why I'm taking birth control pills if I'm trying to get pregnant. The reason for the pills is to give my ovaries a rest. It also allows the doctor to have complete control over my cycle. There is nothing natural about the IVF process. Everything is controlled by science.

A few days after our visit I got a phone call from the pharmacy regarding my medication and payment. Several medications, o.k. a lot of medication was ordered for one round of IVF. To begin my cycle I will take Doxycycline to fight off any infections I might have. By the way, Dana will be taking this too since we will be using his sperm and want him to be infection free too. The next drugs I'll take are or should I say inject will be Follistim and Menopur. Both of these are follicle stimulating hormones. If my body reacts as it should to these medications I will produce a bunch of mature eggs. Along with these I will be asked to start injecting an Antagonist. After, about nine days I will be instructed to give the next medication which is a HCG shot. This tells my body to release my eggs. Following the egg retrieval I will be instructed on the Progesterone injections and Medrol. Once the embryo transfer is complete I will begin taking Estrace. I will also be instructed to take Valium to keep my uterus calm. If all goes well I'll never have to take these meds again in my life. Now drum roll please, the grand total of my medication for ONE round of IVF is $4,994.31. Now do you understand why my head was spinning? And this is just the beginning.